A curve could be simply defined as a line which is not straight but according to some technical dictionary stuck in my head, it is the incomplete path traced by a point which moves from some form of fixed focal point. Mathematics has taught about the different kinds of curves; the arc, the hyperbola, the parabola, the helix etc. The word curve has also been incorporated into various franchises, from basic descriptions to sports. In baseball, there is a certain type of pitch (throw) called the curveball. It starts off as a simple overhead throw and curves downwards when it reaches the batter. Also, there is a slurve which is an amalgamation of a slider and a curveball. In this type of pitch, the pitcher throws it sideways and it starts out as an outward throw before making a sharp curve inwards when it gets to the batter. In the technological world, it is no strange to hear of the Blackberry Curve which is so-named because of its slickly curved finish. In unofficial lingua, it is used to describe the anatomical contours on a female (I just had to use that). But in recent times, it has come to represent a different franchise on social media: Rejection.

With a feverish craze, burning like a wildfire, the social media world has come to accept the word curve to mean rejection, rejection to some form of sexual advance. Again, males tend to suffer in this particular subject because thirst works hand in hand with curves and males tend to thirst more hence, the frequency of male curves. In the battles of hormones, testosterone has proven more powerful than oestrogen in its ability to bring on sexual pangs. Male thirst is brought on by the greatly enhanced, testosterone-infused horniness and curves are brought about by the female’s witty remarks about his thirsty advances.

Over the years, the female folk have grown witty and remarkably sarcastic in their replies and rejection of male advances. It is not like the males have been playing the same game since or that they have not redefined their skills and polished their lines. Okay, let me put it this way, male advances have gone through an arithmetic progressive phase but the female rejection system has gone through a geometric progressive phase. They learn quickly, not only from their own experience but also the experience garnered from their gossip with other females. These ladies do not spare their curve victims, making them look like hopeless, battered pussies over the years. Curves can come sharp and fast like ripping off a band-aid. These ones are easier to avoid and dodge. Brief pain and no hurts but there are those legendary ones; the ones that come slow and steady, with the legendary magical misdirection and like a blind prostitute, you never see them coming (Wack line?? Go kill yourself). No guy has been known to survive a direct hit from a full curve. Socially, emotionally and sometimes, physically, you are ruined.

Now, as a guy, you are probably wondering if there is a way out. Truth be told, you are fucked if you keep on hanging and clinging to some form of hope. But, do not give up, my brave friends, there is some form of hope to those who have faith and believe. There have been legends and rumours of some dark nooks and crannies of the internet where pictures are shown and tales are told about some great men who have dodged curves and even spun them back on the lady in question. Now, these are myths and legends, I have never actually met with one of these men to confirm if their stories are true but I do know one bit of information about their stories; they survived by their innovative minds and their wit. You have to do it with your brain and wit; a tad bit of sarcasm can be included but never ever use harsh words or violence to settle or dodge it; that way you get to keep your dignity intact even news of your curve gets out. But as a young man whose thirst has led him into the lair of lioness who is ready to curve you, you had better find a way to escape. When she starts throwing those curves like a curveball from a word-class baseball pitcher or like Beckham when he be curving in those deadly freekicks, you had better become Neo in the Matrix and dodge those curves. Hell!!! You had better do some acrobatic shii and escape those curvy bullets. Daayyuumm!!! Those curves be coming at you like speedy Chuck Norris bullets and you had better find a way to dodge them all or at least, not suffer a direct hit because a direct curve hit is fatal and deadly. Your social life is over; you’ll forever be known as that dude that got curved while he charged in blindingly with his thirst. By every frigging deity known to man, you’ll never recover. OMFG!!!! That curve will leave you like…


Aint no coming back for you so you do well to quench your thirst or learn how to dodge curve; good luck in your attempt with those two.

All those stupid things you did in 2013, leave them there and move on to a new year, load-free. Do your adequate research before you make your advances on any girl. Stalk but don’t get caught. Goodluck with your advances and have a happy, curve-free 2014.

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