Now I have heard plenty people give their meanings to love and I have constantly pondered and wondered if someday I would ever harbour this kind of feeling towards someone or something. At a point, it seemed I loved no one no more, not even my parents. Up till now, I have never said the words “I love you” or even given a hug to any of my parents. With my back against the wall and my front facing a harsh world ahead of me, I decided to make friends. I had lots of them, good ones, bad ones, positive ones, negative ones and not wanting to lose anyone, I developed split personalities to handle each of them but I stood aloof never letting myself fall in too deep with them. I became #ForeverAlone *points fingers to the sky*. Now, I also made female friends and they were really nice and helpful; at times, I lusted after them but because I had a chicken-heart, I let myself constantly die inside and smiled to their faces each time I was with themand never mentioned my true intentions.
In the years that went by I grew up to become a ‘sad bastard’ and I sometimes became proud of it. I learnt to kill my feelings and tell my conscience to shut up, I learnt to have my own back even though I could trust a few friends, I learnt not to blame my parents and get a bit closer to them but who was I kidding?! I was already damaged goods. I had a few friends fall in love, I watched some succeed and I watched some fail, I watched some deceive themselves and I saw some who never lied from the beginning. I learnt from their mistakes and swore that I would be better; I was not going to make those silly mistakes and I was going to improve on the better couples. Probably that is what has kept me in my present predicament, maybe being too aloof is not good enough. Maybe I should just follow the world and fall in love. Naaahh… Why should I fall? It’s not like I’m tripping or something. I have kept to myself and searched for the perfect girl, one who would love me for the damaged goods I am, one who would still love me if I told her my true life story. Maybe she exists, maybe I have already found her but for now, I’m aloof.
Now, last year, I found a bit of love. Yes, I fell into something I called love back then but now, is kind of morphing and taking a different shape. I called it love then because I gave myself willingly and felt something I had never done before. Her name is Naya, she’s probably the first girl I ever felt really comfortable talking to and sharing my life with. Every moment I talked with her, I found myself smiling and felt a huge burden being lifted off my chest. But as the hands of time kept spinning, I realised that everything was morphing, I was drifting back into being #ForeverAlone. I found that I could live my old life, the real me started coming to my senses, I started changing again. Now, I cannot really stay where I am or where I stand again. Naya is still there, tucked away somewhere in my heart and if she reads this, I hope she knows that I have never felt this strongly for anybody else in my life before. But like I said, she’s just there. Maybe time would tell, maybe I’ll grow to love somebody, I’d better do because I want to have kids (I’m an only child; an only palmnut does not get lost in the fire). I would really love to love, I would really love to understand love, I would really love to spend the rest of my life with somebody I truly love. But till then, till that time comes, I have no inkling or idea of what love is. But hey ladies, you can teach me at any time, you can come and snap me up, I might not be so drop-dead good-looking but I’ve got girth. So right now, looking at my laptop, I’m #ForeverAlone…… scratch that, I’m #JustAlone.
P.S: The above written write-up applies to only my knowledge about love of human beings. Make no mistakes, I have already found love with food and internet. These cutie pies have been my strength and fortress. I love them and they have expressed some form of love for me. I can spend all day with these two if given the opportunity to do so. So I might not be entirely clueless after all…