The past few weeks have been ones which I would love to forget in a hurry. They have been rough and unkind and have had an adverse effect on me, taking their toll on me with each passing day. I have been putting off responsibilities so I do not come to terms with the fact that I am slowly sinking into a pit of self-oblivion. Laziness and procrastination are not just two words that have adverse meanings, they have become my entire being. Instead of chasing the bigger picture that lies ahead of me and seeing to it that I am a better person than I was the day before, I am wholly ensconced in chasing trivial matters and dragging my feet in the sand. Acceptance is the first step to a positive change so I willingly accept my bit in this whole scenario but truly, I am not the sole player in this field; there are other external factors that have led me to stage at this point in my life. The amount of pressure which hangs on my neck is far too much for me to handle. I am but a mere man not a god or even a demigod like Hercules so why impose on me such a gigantic Herculean task. Why, I ask no-one in particular, why?!
These days I am being faced with the harsh reality that all my plans and dreams are not enough to prepare me for what I am about to face out there in the real world. I am constantly being forced to remodel my plans and thoughts and find new solutions to the problems I am most likely to encounter but still, this is just a little drop of water in an ocean; the problems and challenges are too numerous for me to envisage. At just this early stage, I am beginning to buckle under the huge amount of pressure placed on me and the eager anticipation for me to deliver without fail. From every side, I am being faced with a seemingly impossible task because my laid-back attitude would not let get up and try to accomplish it. I am constantly overwhelmed when I think of what still lies in front of me and knowing that it does not get any easier yet. Trying to analyse the source of my problem has left me with the conclusion that the major bulk of my pressure now comes from two sources: my academic life and my social life. These two are the most important, any other one has probably been neglected or put on hold for the later part of my life. And trust me, I dread what is to come after.
Academically, the months have taken their toll and been unkind; when I hear books, a thousand thoughts march across my mind. I am laden with loads of work to do in very little time. The tasks are not easy and barely thinking of it makes my heart jump and skip a beat and trust me, my heart has skipped many beats. Project work, classes, tests and upcoming examinations and I can only wonder if I can survive and make it through. I see the finish line but getting there seems so improbable, like a dream. Many times, I have just thrown everything into the basket and given up but I am obligated to go back with shame and pick it back up and start from the point which I had earlier neglected. These past weeks have taught me that putting my academics on hold would really solve no problem at all. I wrote tests that could break a man’s spirit; I have gone into test rooms, armed with an incomplete knowledge of what I was going to face in there. I have had to hustle to get the answers written on my paper, at times making really daring open moves borne out of sheer desperation. I am not proud of my actions, I am not proud.