Gawd!!! My friends can argue like crazy. Now, I start this off with a tone of frustration because I am tired and fed up with all the goddamn arguments. For weeks now, I have been living with a couple of friends who love to argue for fun. It’s no longer just ordinary; they argue over everything. No single day passes without an argument; hell, we have like 2-3 arguments per day on a regular basis. And they rarely repeat arguments so they basically argue over every single topic. Nothing is spared; from the number of mountains in Nigeria to the amount of breath you take in when you breathe to the need to spend more on quality. Once it’s a topic, bring it on, we’ll definitely argue about it. The funny thing is that there is no bad blood in these arguments. Sure, tempers might have flared at some point in time but it is rarely serious and dies down as fast as it came up. We have realized we basically argue for street cred and to kill boredom so there is no need to take things to personal.

After getting into numerous arguments and losing an unfair share of them, I have carefully sat back to develop an algorithm or a set of guidelines that can help you hold your own in an argument. Many people have lost valid arguments because they have the right attitude to back it up. You can lose and win an argument at the same time; it all depends on your delivery. Over the next few paragraphs, I’ll be dropping a few steps that are helpful when it comes to arguing and strictly adhering to these steps is sure to bring you success when you take on your next opponent.

The steps of engagement:

Step 1 – Look upon thy foe with contempt: When it comes to arguing, this is an important tactic to employ. First off, for arguing with you, your opponent is a stupid idiot because he is obviously wrong while you are right. He is intellectually lacking because you’ve got all the facts and he’s got squat. So you have to show him this with the right mannerism. Your words are not the first step to winning the argument, your mannerism is. Portray to him that his IQ points are at least 100 points behind yours, that he does not stand on the same intellectual plane as you, that he is unworthy to butt heads with you because you are a god to him. Look at him with extreme contempt in your eyes.

Step 2 – Equip thy armoury with bogus facts: Now that you have put the fear of God in him, you can begin planning how to make your case. A lot of people have failed in their arguments because they have facts. It is not the lack of the right facts that kill you but the lack of abundance of evidence. Arm yourself with plenty facts so that for every fact your opponent brings up, you can counter him. A little lie won’t hurt, after all, it’s for a good cause. Be gentle with the lies though; with this age of the internet, you can easily ruin yourself. The main thing to have at the back of your mind is that you are not lying; you are just fine-tuning the truth so you can win. Just keep on bringing up stories that can’t be proven. Don’t worry, your swag and contempt will see you through.

Step 3 – Have an abundance of fanatics who are willing to support thy claim: This is the most important of all: fans. You cannot win without fans. Shout and argue all you want but once you are alone with no support, you will surely fall no matter how right your claim is. Your fans do not necessarily need to know your claim or the basis for your claim, all they need to support is YOU. The more fans you have, the better your chances. It also helps when you have a certain amount of control over your fans. It proves that you are in charge and right. Loud fans are the best; they will kill your opponent’s ginger.

Step 4 – Be loud and stand firm: At this point, the argument has commenced and you are doing pretty fine. The important thing at this point is to be loud and firm. Make your statements with an air of certainty and raise your decibel level to the appropriate point where it cripples your opponent. Just be loud. And do not change your argument topic for any reason whatsoever. It shows a sign of weakness and uncertainty and we don’t want your opponent to take advantage of that. Stick to the initial script and if there is any need to digress a bit, find a way to link it back to initial point.

Step 5 – Thy vocabulary shall not be lacking in any manner but must be of a highly refined quality: This is very important when you argue. It seems a trivial step but is extremely helpful when you combat your foe. Grammatical errors have been known to water down your claim and make you lose your argument with speed. This is because you seem so unsure of yourself and your words do not portray confidence. So spare not the vocabulary when you argue. Use a torrent of bogus words on your enemy, leaving him to marvel at your immense insight. Your words help you sound smart so use them with reckless abandon. Put the fear of God into that nigga. Unleash the encyclopedia on him.

Step 6 – Known thy enemy and find a common ground between him and thy argument: This is a simple tactic for winning. Knowing your enemy is important but knowing how to link his life with the argument is gold. I don’t mean having to dig up dirt from his personal life and airing his dirty linen in public, I mean using something that everybody already knows to attack him with. As simple as it may seem, it requires a lot of tact and skill. For example, a friend was once arguing with me over Wilshere’s development level and things were going fine until he linked it with my vertical growth level. He said Wilshere’s development chart was like my height and that struck a nerve because towards the end of junior high school, I shot up like a bamboo shoot. I was taller than most of my peers and everybody, including me, thought I was never going to stop growing. That was a fatal error. So when he brought this up, things went south and needless to say, I lost the argument in the end. Use your enemy’s known weakness against him. Be crafty.

Step 7 – Thou shall use all manner of crafty but harmless insults to disarm thy enemy: Yes, this is true and effective. These words will not rile your enemy up but will just put him off guard. It works hand in hand with your fans as they will re-echo those words into your opponent’s ears. Be crafty and creative with these words. Words like dimwit or dunce will help your cause. Idiot, stupid or bastard could annoy your enemy and you advised to rarely use these words or to abstain totally from them. Use your words with an air of malicious intent to further show the gravity of your extreme contempt for your foe.

Step 8 – Kill off thy enemy with a finishing phrase and bow out of the arena: At this point in time, your argument is almost over and you are winning. Prolonged arguments water down your victory so you must find a way to escape from those with alacrity. While arguing, search for a punchline in the back of your head. Your punchline cannot be weak; No!!! Not with this intense arguments. It must be a knockout punch, a home-run, a hole-in-one etc. You have to time when to drop it. Your argument is like a Mortal Kombat battle and when to drop the punchline is at that point where they say, “FINISH HIM!!!” Once, you use it, get out fast. Don’t bother replying anything he says again. You have won the argument, let him trash-talk all he wants.

With these steps above, you are sure to win every argument you step into. You cannot lose. If you lose, you can contact me and call me a fraud but I seriously doubt you’ll get to do that. This is as simple as it gets. Now, head on into your next argument and knock your opponent out of the park.

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