Have you ever had words swimming and floating around in your head without making any sense? You just know somewhere along the line, stringing some of these words together can form lines of sentences which could prove to be a masterpiece but alas, you cannot just bring them together. Sometimes, you get frustrated and curse yourself for being helpless and other writers for being able to produce excellent works of art. You just know deep down that you have an idea so smart that your head would explode if you began to even know what you’re talking about. You are at your Picasso moment, you are Mozart trying to compose a magical symphony, you just need the white light in your head to shine and give you the go-ahead but still nothing. You start to write and three sentences in, you are sure you’ve written the greatest crap ever. You delete it and try a different approach, still nothing. You slam the laptop shut and think of throwing it away. You are highly uncomfortable because there is a nagging itch at the back of your head, smiling with a devilish grin, floating the letters in your head because it knows you cannot do shit. Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my world.
You see, I walk about on my tip-toes, stealing glances at human beings while trying to analyse them in head, the words are floating in my head, coming up with different ways to describe an event. Sometimes, as I casually take a stroll, I come up with beautiful masterpieces. My only problem is they are empty as fuck; just a promising title, a good opening line and an awesome ending line but no content whatsoever in the middle and I end up with another dead end. I have scrapped up many write-ups because they are utter shit compared my usual stuff and it’s in those moments I turn to only source for true stories: my life. It’s always fun to write abstract and all but when it doesn’t work, writing about yourself will probably lead to opening up bottles up of stuff you’d rather see corked. Taking a peek under the hood is never a good idea because it exposes all the imperfection you’ve tried to hide under a calm décor like a chicken with beautiful feathers. But sometimes, self-examination can produce results which can shape you up to be a better person.
Now, I always wondered what it is like in other people’s heads. Is it as chaotic as it is in mine? My thought process is always in a constant state of entropy, trying to examine all the possibilities of life, trying to balance out in all places, a rolling moss and a jack of all trades. In my head, it is chaos, random stuff popping up from all angles and trying to keep up will probably burn me out. I have limited my life to the mundane things to prevent myself from imploding. I visit comedy sites on the internet for a good laugh, play weird games and stay indoors so that the sensory input does not result in an overload. It’s chaos in my head trying to balance all aspects of my life, social, literary, physical, spiritual, educational and the rest. I know most people go through the same thing but when you have a mind like mine that tries to spread its tentacles across all the aspects in an attempt to have a stronghold on everything, it becomes a serious struggle for you.
My lack of interest in issues doesn’t even help matters, take for instance, my educational pursuit. I have realised that engineering was probably not the right path to take after all. In high school, it was fun because I was good with numbers and a bit of physics but since the beginning, I have always had this literary instinct in me. But hey, engineering was a means to a form of career security in a world where engineers were the peak of the food chain. They were the ones making all the mega bucks in the oil companies and I need the mega bucks. Who cares if you are bloody columnist for one newspaper or a blog writer; those are hobbies, engineering is a career. But then, the loss in interest came with speed and at a point which I couldn’t turn back because I worked to get myself in and now, I must work to get myself out. So when I’m trying to balance stuff in my head while I’m strolling on my toes or browsing 9gag or even playing some strange 2D game and someone says I’m weird, I calmly reply, “Onwe be ihe ifu”.