Well, for the life of me, I cannot even begin to explain how it got to this point. Just a couple of unfortunate events got me relying on phone sex to spice up my relationship. Call me unimaginative and backward but I feel phone sex is the most awful way to spice up a relationship. It is like sex without the real person. In fact, it’s even worse than that. It’s more like listening to audio porn, or in my case, really awful audio porn. And trust me, I didn’t come up with this idea on my own. No, this had the devil’s hands spattered all over it. The crevices of my brain were not built to harbour such thoughts. I try to be romantic sometimes but this just crossed the line of ridiculous on a bullet train and still went on far ahead. I tried it once and never again!!!

So my relationship has been suffering a bit. I mean I try to remember the boo, call her often and see her when I can but somehow, it seems my efforts are not a lot. But to be honest, I really wasn’t trying too hard. I see her like once in two weeks and we rarely even get to spend much time together. My phone calls are always monotonous routines and boring. It’s always the same questions every time and frankly, I was already feeling like I could live my life without her. Somehow, she sensed it. I don’t know how she did it but she did. I guess girls have some form of internal radar for that type of thing. So, after arguing and haggling with her one day, I decided to go chill with my boys. I really needed to cool off. Listening to all the talk about the flame on the wick of the candle of our love dying out had clearly upset my stomach. I tried not to counter her but clearly, my face showed signs that I was pissed off. There’s an amount of mushy feelings I’m permitted to show but words like that disgust me and certainly, crossed a line. So off to the bar to hang out with my goons.

Sam and William have been my buddies for a while now and we’ve grown really inseparable. These were the guys I could share my problems and we would end up laughing about them. In the foolishness we spurted most times on our drinking hangouts, words of wisdom were sometimes concealed and only revealed in a moment of epiphany. So, I called my boys to see if I could get anything useful. Sam was almost done with his first bottle when I arrived. William, as usual, was flirting with one of the girls around and from his smile, I knew he had cornered the girl and was going in for the kill. I sauntered off to the bar, got my drinks and found my seat beside Sam. After a loud exchange of pleasantries and a couple of drinks, we were deep into different topics and I had forgotten my troubles. Sam finally got to the subject of women and he asked, “What about your girl and her issues?” “Same old, same old. The girl wouldn’t just give me any respite.” I replied. “She keeps on talking about the lack of romance and the fading relationship bla bla bla she’s always been yammering about.” Now, my boys know me. I am just not the relationship guy. Fine, I was loyal and faithful but other than that, I was an utter failure. It’s not like I forget dates or stuff but I only stick to her birthday and Valentine’s Day which for me, is even a big deal. Any other date was alien to me. No anniversaries, no surprise gifts, nothing. So when I gave my reply, William just started laughing and Sam gave me a chuckle. It was clear from my puzzled expression that I didn’t understand what was going on. “You this guy”, William chuckled “You just don’t understand women, do you? We have tried to help you out with this your lack of romance but you just laughed us off as being foolish and mushy. Now, you see where it has gotten you. Frankly, I’m surprised it took so long. Maybe your girl likes being punished.” Now I like William for his bluntness but most times, he’s an asshole when he’s blunt. I just stared at him and imagined giving him a punch in the face but I did nothing. Sam noticed and chirped in, “Don’t mind William. He’s just a single bastard and would die forever alone. But the truth of the whole gist is that you have to find something to spice up your relationship or risk losing your girl.” I asked, “So what do you guys suggest I do? I need your help. You know I’m blank.” “You better think or go and start reading all those relationship books.” William said. “I’ve had my fair share of women and I prefer to stay single. You were in the game when you were single. You just had to let Sam talk you into getting into a relationship.” He gestured to Sam, “Get him out of this mess…” “Why not try phone sex? I heard it could help.” Sam suddenly said. And that sent William on another laughing spree. In fact, he was on the floor rolling and laughing. “Leave that stuff for white people, please.” I replied. “Besides, it’s a stupid idea. I see no point and no benefit from it.” “There you go again.” William said. He was up getting up from the floor and trying to crawl into his seat. “He gave you a suggestion and you refused it. You see why your girl would leave you?” “Have you done it before?” I questioned William. “Nope. But I have other ways of spicing things up. With my tongue, if you know what I mean.” Now it was William’s boast that he could make the legs of any girl melt with the things he could do with his tongue. He always boasted that he had never met a girl who did not fall in love with his tongue when he was done with her. He even swore that one girl had tugged at his hair so hard that she pulled a handful of it out while he was busy with his tongue. Sam quipped, “Stop being a novice. It’s not a white-people thing. People over here are doing it too. Just ask your girl. You know girls eat up this kind of crap.” “Hmm… It’s worth a shot, I guess” I replied. “Okay, I’ll do it.” Sam patted me on the back, “Good man. Go spice up your relationship. Nothing can go wrong.”

Early that night, I called up my girl to suggest it to her. She laughed hysterically for a while before she finally replied, “You??!! Phone sex??!! Where did you even get the idea from?” “Does it matter? I’m just willing to try something new. There has been no time for the real thing so this is like the next best option. So, are you down?” I asked. There was a long pause of silence and then, “Sure, why not? I’ve been waiting for you to bring something up. I’m really happy you thought of something.” I could clearly hear from her voice that I had done something right. Her excited giggles were enough to confirm. “Later at night then. Just get ready and don’t forget.” I said and silently prayed that I didn’t forget too. Just before I went to bed, I decided to strip down to my boxer shorts and increase the fan. Things were going to get steamy pretty soon. Then, I made the call. Now, in the moments just before she picked the call, I suddenly realised that I had no idea of what to do. I was flying blind. I had done a bit of sexting before and while it was disgusting, it still felt safe because you never truly knew what the other person’s expressions were and you could imagine what you wanted. With real sex, you don’t really talk much. Somehow, the two of you understand what is happening and any corrections can be made without being audible. But in this case, the voice was the sole carrier of your feelings. You can only build your imagination from what the other person says. One wrong statement and everything crumbles. By the time she picked the call, I knew I was screwed. I had already lost the moment. I didn’t want to do this anymore but I had brought this upon myself. And I didn’t want to disappoint the boo so I decided to wing it. A bit of chit chat and then I started with, “What are you wearing?” “Errr… Cream-coloured silk underwear with flowers and a pink negligee with criss-cross patterns around my bosom. What are you wearing?” “Just my boxer shorts.” I replied. “So what next?” I asked. “I don’t know. You suggested this. You should be prepared.” I bit my lip. “If only I was prepared.” I said in my head.  “So, err… you know what? Begin to touch yourself from your neck downwards.” I managed to mutter. Normally, if I was sexting, I would have told her to imagine me kissing her from her neck downwards but I could not just bring myself to let such folly cross my lips. My ego would not just allow it. “Is that it?” She asked. “Can’t you say other stuff to set the mood?” Now this would cost me my relationship if I say it to her face but my girl has the imagination of a chicken. If you don’t spell out every single detail for her, she just wouldn’t understand. Now, I was not ready to spell out every single detail of every aspect of this nonsense. It was already awkward enough. I replied, “Well, just imagine it. As if I was there.” “Okay, I’m running my hands over my boobs now. My nipples feel hard and ready like your tongue is running across them. Now, I’m sliding one hand down there, just how you like it.” She managed to say. “She’s lying.” I thought to myself. “She’s blatantly lying to me.” There’s definitely no way for someone to get horny that fast. Not with the nonsense I just said. I let her fool around for a bit and heard some moans in the background. “Who is this one trying to fool?” I asked myself. Suddenly, she asked, “Are you done? Wouldn’t you say other stuff and finish what you started?” I wanted to tell her to go screw herself since she had already started but for the sake of the relationship, I held my tongue and raced through my thoughts. I finally decided to dig into my sexting history and let it rip. I closed my eyes and like a 5-year old reciting a poem, I just starting pouring it out for her. The words were just popping out of my mouth non-stop. I didn’t even care if she was doing what I was saying or not. When I was done, she managed to whisper, “That was good. You really put in some effort. I loved it. Now it’s my turn.” Oh shit, I wasn’t expecting that. I thought I was done with this charade. Now, I had to fake it too!!! “Pull your dick out and start stroking it gently from the base of the shaft to the tip of the cap.” She said. I looked down. I wasn’t even hard and I wasn’t ready to start pulling out my unwilling dick and start stroking it. All the same, in the spirit of the moment, I did as I was told and started stroking. But that lasted only for ten seconds. “Am I mad??!!!” I screamed in my head. “What the heck was I even doing? What foul spirit came over me?” I asked myself. I guess it was too obvious that I stopped because she asked why I had stopped so early. “This was a huge mistake. I wasn’t ready for this. You weren’t ready for this. I can’t bring myself to do this.” And that was when she started nagging. I had to listen to her lecture me on how disappointed she was in me, on how she thought we were finally making progress when I brought this up, how she even overlooked the fact that I was just struggling to stay stuff from my head and didn’t care whether she was following or not. I was a tongue-lashing and the only words from my lips were “I’m sorry”. For everything she said, I could only reply, “I’m sorry”. After two hours of her blasting me, it was very obvious that my relationship had taken a nose dive. I was fine at the level I was before but now things were going to crash and burn.

Now, if your guy is truly your guy, there’s no time too awkward to call him and insult him and that was exactly what I did to Sm after she hung up. Though it really wasn’t totally his fault anyway but still, he deserve to be insulted. No hard feelings, Sam was still my buddy anytime. But I had to dish it out to him that night though. There was no name I didn’t call Sam that night. Why not? He had to take some of the blame. Everything was fine and smooth till he went and suggested that I have phone sex

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