Dear Bella…

 

Dear Bella,

I really do not know why I’m doing this, writing down words to you. You know how hard it is for me to try to express my emotions in words. Maybe it’s the flawed logic I have that it makes me seem effeminate or the fact that I’m not really good in putting down my true feelings in words because there is a clash of numerous emotions deep inside me and trying to express them would lead to large incoherence. Whatever the reason, I have neglected sharing the words of my emotions with you, choosing to use only my actions to tell you how I truly feel. And where those actions seem to fail, I have expected you to trust in the fact that I deeply love you. Unfortunately, it has been to my detriment that we’re at this stage where it seems like I might lose you even though I still love you. I wish to say I’m wrong and truly sorry.

It was a huge mistake on my part to presume you psychic; to assume that you felt what I felt even though I did not say it. I have taken the importance of spoken words for granted. I have neglected to say how much I do care for you or how much I love you or to even tell you how beautiful you are. I have not shared my fears with you or my insecurities with you. I had thought that my actions would be enough to suffice but alas, it has dawned me the error of my thoughts. I have also acted out oafish most times. I have neglected doing the things you love, seeing them as feminine and possibly, emasculating. I have cajoled you to do the things I loved without wanting to see if you truly loved them. Blinded by my selfishness, I gradually took you for granted. While you shared your thoughts and emotions with me and even cried to me, I took it as ‘one of those woman’ things and ignored the messages you were trying to pass across to me. I let my testosterone-infused brain unsighted me to the beauty of the emotions you were trying to show me. Gradually, things began degenerating and I was too blind to see it. If I were a little more open, I could have sensed when you broke away from me, when you found out other outlets for your emotion. I just thought you had understood me and finally stopped nagging me. The folly of my thoughts now laugh at my face each time I think of you. I want you to know that I’m very sorry.
It seems now that we’re at crossroads in our lives, seeming to part never to meet again. I, however, hope you do not take the other road but rather walk down this path with me. I know this is wishful thinking considering all the pain I put you through but then, I was less of a man than I am now. I thought the lack of verbal expressions of emotions was a sign of mental maturity; that one had outgrown the need to express words rather choosing actions and trust to believe in love. I now see that my definition of mental maturity was that of a child; that you were light-years ahead of me. I see it now and weep at my folly. I cannot claim to be mature now but I have seen the error of my ways and have vowed to change. I only wish you decide to stay and grow with me. I wish I could pour out all the words I never did say but I don’t think my heart can carry such words without failing. I know that you are happy wherever you are and only wish that you can come back and be happy with me. At the beginning of this, I was unsure why I was doing this but here I am, shedding tears at the realization that it took me this long to do this. I’m sorry I never told you how you smile put everything at ease within me and made me feel like nothing was impossible. I’m sorry I never told you how beautiful you are and how I treasured showing you off to everyone who cared to know. I’m sorry I never told you how much of the world you meant to me. You are everything to me and the world came crashing at my feet the moment you were not in it. Above all, I’m sorry I never told you I love you.

 

I will always love you,

Ike.

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