Abandon Ship

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Relationships can be fun to talk about but let’s digress and focus a bit on the Nigerian economy. Now I am no economy expert and tend to stay off this economy palaver talk because, to tell you the truth, I’m currently earning zilch. I believe if you are not making money or paying tax, you have no right to complain about the state of the Nigerian economy. But there’s only so much a citizen can take before he starts wailing about the failed Nigerian system. The present Nigerian economy is the result of a failed system running for years. It is like the Titanic just when it hit the iceberg and with no form of a solution, present or future, most Nigerians, with the means, are making the only viable move left: Abandon ship!

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MY WEED STORY: A TALE OF TWO BROWN BAGS

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So a few days ago, the whole internet was abuzz with people celebrating the 20th of April as Marijuana Day. Pictures and videos of people smoking seemed to be all over social networking sites. The origin of this seems to be pretty far-fetched and it seemed people had just been looking for a reason to celebrate smoking pot. I decided it was time to retell my weed story. Last time out, I probably didn’t give an apt description of what happened. The incident still remains crystal clear in my head. It’s one of those things you never forget. Every time I replay it in my head, it’s like I’m looking down on myself from a distant screen. One of the longest nights of my life.

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THINGS I SHOULD NEVER HAVE SAID

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I tend to talk a lot. Like a whole lot of words are in my head and when I have the chance to, I spew out a lot of them. Most times, it’s just rants and not really important stuff; basically, it’s from the stories and experiences which I have garnered over a period of time and yes, my brain picks out a lot of these stuff. But once in a while, it is something really important, something which casual words and statements wouldn’t suffice, something where empty words and promises should be used on. And yet, because of the blur in the line between the trivial and the important, I find myself mouthing off as usual and having to later regret some stuff which I have said.

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ANOTHER FOREVER ALONE VALENTINE

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So once again, I’m having to round up another Valentine’s day on a boring note. Nothing really stood out for me today. It’s not like I was really expecting anything to start with but it would have been nice for somebody to just pleasantly surprise me. Oh well, if wishes were horses… But really, I don’t like the hype and pressure that comes with Valentine’s day. Everything is blown out of proportion and well, I feel it’s like a kind of bondage for my good friends in relationships. I have always been sulking about me not having a significant other but when I look at the alternative, I find out that it’s none the better. Each phase comes with its own cross and well, I’m going to be talking a bit about the pressures of Valentine.

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IN THE QUEST FOR A LIGHT-SKIN…

 

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“Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll that my body will blacken and turn into coal”

 

So during one of my numerous casual strolls, I ran into an old friend from high school. It was a slightly hot afternoon and she had on shades and an umbrella. I had seen her coming from afar and barely recognised her. I was busy wondering who this lovely light-skinned girl was and anticipated walking by her. I cannot begin to explain how shocked I was when I realised who she was. I was tongue-tied and only managed to say hi and after an exchange of pleasantries, I quickly ran off before she could notice my weird facial expression. Now when I knew this girl back in high school, she was very dark in complexion. It was an inexplicable magic that she was somehow now light-skinned. People grow darker with time so what form of voodoo had turn her almost white? Then, it occurred to me, she must have bleached her skin. It turns out this was not my first rodeo with a bleached skin.

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I HAD PHONE SEX

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Well, for the life of me, I cannot even begin to explain how it got to this point. Just a couple of unfortunate events got me relying on phone sex to spice up my relationship. Call me unimaginative and backward but I feel phone sex is the most awful way to spice up a relationship. It is like sex without the real person. In fact, it’s even worse than that. It’s more like listening to audio porn, or in my case, really awful audio porn. And trust me, I didn’t come up with this idea on my own. No, this had the devil’s hands spattered all over it. The crevices of my brain were not built to harbour such thoughts. I try to be romantic sometimes but this just crossed the line of ridiculous on a bullet train and still went on far ahead. I tried it once and never again!!!

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IT’S MY BIRTHDAY, BIIITTCCHHEESS!!!

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When I titled this post, I probably thought it was going to be one of my happy posts, one where I get to describe a fun-planned day, one where I get to say something witty and laugh in my head at the hilarity of my content but nope, as I kept working on the post in my head, I realised it was going to be one of those gloomy ones about my life which I’d rather not talk about. I hate the long wait for my birthday; it seems like it’s never going to come. Probably it’s the fact that it comes this late in the year or the fact that I feel all the important birthdays have already passed but this seems like an awfully late time to have a birthday. I’m no fan of the birthday hype or the attention that comes with it; I feel there is an adequate amount of hype and attention which should be given to a birthday and most times, people often overshoot that boundary. So then, this is going to be one of the gloomiest birthday posts you’ll ever read.

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