BEFORE I SAY I DO

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So it seemed like I had maxed out topics in my head to talk about and for quite a while, I was enraptured in pursuing other endeavours but finally, I’m back. The truth is I have been lazing about on what to write. The thoughts are there in my head but the ways to express them seem to elude me. I have decided to wing it and go with the flow anyway. I should really skip this ‘trying-to-let-you-understand-why-I-have-not-been-posting’ routine but it has become a signature thing. I’ve got a couple of incomplete topics in my head but I’ve decided to just spit them out anyway. Today will be about weddings and marriage. Too many wedding bells are ringing around me and frankly, I’ve become uncomfortable.

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ANOTHER FOREVER ALONE VALENTINE

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So once again, I’m having to round up another Valentine’s day on a boring note. Nothing really stood out for me today. It’s not like I was really expecting anything to start with but it would have been nice for somebody to just pleasantly surprise me. Oh well, if wishes were horses… But really, I don’t like the hype and pressure that comes with Valentine’s day. Everything is blown out of proportion and well, I feel it’s like a kind of bondage for my good friends in relationships. I have always been sulking about me not having a significant other but when I look at the alternative, I find out that it’s none the better. Each phase comes with its own cross and well, I’m going to be talking a bit about the pressures of Valentine.

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I HAD PHONE SEX

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Well, for the life of me, I cannot even begin to explain how it got to this point. Just a couple of unfortunate events got me relying on phone sex to spice up my relationship. Call me unimaginative and backward but I feel phone sex is the most awful way to spice up a relationship. It is like sex without the real person. In fact, it’s even worse than that. It’s more like listening to audio porn, or in my case, really awful audio porn. And trust me, I didn’t come up with this idea on my own. No, this had the devil’s hands spattered all over it. The crevices of my brain were not built to harbour such thoughts. I try to be romantic sometimes but this just crossed the line of ridiculous on a bullet train and still went on far ahead. I tried it once and never again!!!

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THESE HOES AINT LOYAL

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As I grope and comb through the pages on the internet, basically the social networks, I am faced over and over again with the same message, glaring widely at me on my screen. It is a campaign that has been abuzz the internet for quite a while. A message being passed across to the various genres of men across the globe. It is a simple warning that carries a deep meaning and is as old as time itself. It reads thus: “Beware!!! These hoes aint loyal.” A simple warning that can never be overemphasized because each day, you hear tales of guys who have fallen victim to coldness which lies in the hearts of girls these days. These ones are seen as the dumb ones who lack the sense and wisdom to understand when they are being used but also, credit has to be given to the craftiness of these girls who would give the biblical serpent a good run for his money. The silver-tongued devils will come with their wiles and seduce you till you lay grovelling at their feet and then, they leave you at the slightest hint of a better opportunity elsewhere. The cold-hearted would just give you the good news to your face while the real villains would leave you dazed and wondering, still trying to chase after their affection until your brain is given a sharp reboot, usually an intervention or a firm slap from those who truly love you. The mind of a woman can never be understood, her thought process can never be deciphered (Only the creator can) but the reasons why they leave have been narrowed down to two road categories: Affection and Money. Any other thing can be narrowed down to these two categories, though they still have a bunch of incoherent reasons for leaving. They would leave for the ficklest of things. There are the special ones who are just willing to break hearts because they are spawns of Jezebel. But then, this decay did not just start now; it has been there for ages.

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UNDER PRESSURE

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For a while now, It has seemed like I have run of ideas on what to write about. The words just swim around in my head in a chaotic swirl and constantly fail to make any meaningful connection. The ideas I manage to get seem very shallow and I find myself giving up on post after post. I was in a state of dilemma; I had totally lost my mojo and getting it back was going to be really rough and tough. I thought of the source of my problems and in a moment of clarity, I was able to fixate on the problem, the source of my mind-block: Pressure. I am under too much pressure to deliver and meet up certain expectations and it is definitely taking its toll on me. Let me explain.

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FOREVER ALONE VALENTINE

THE FOLLOWING IS NOT AN ACT OF DESPERATION. READER’S DISCRETION IS ADVISED

The season of valentine is one which lovers and some very good friends look forward to because from its inception, it is a time to show love and also to feel loved in return. It is a time to give and receive gifts from loved ones; it is a time to share and enjoy, in short, it is fun. Most people choose to take out the Valentine’s Day and spend it with that special someone, enjoy their company, relive moments and revel in love. Married couples tend to use this period to rekindle their affection for each other and show their partners that they still mean the world to them. Heartfelt messages are exchanged and cakes are given; the colour code for the day is mostly red. It is an enjoyable season for many. For others, it is one where expectations are dashed, where the one you expected to show affection to you does not live up to your expectation. It is the season to find out whether you are in the friendzone or not, whether all the times she called you ‘boo’ were real or just for show. For some, their partners forget and it turns out to be a horrible day for them both because surely, that partner will not hear the end of it till February runs out. Hehehe… Those categories, my friend, I fall in none; I’m in my own zone, my own special category. When asked how the Valentine celebration was going to be, I smiled and replied “Forever Alone Valentine”.

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IN MY ZONES OF MANY COLOURS

Of recent, I have been going through this phase where I am kind of reviewing the relationships between the opposite sexes. The social media is buzzing with this sort of thing now that the 90’s kids are no longer kids and now seem like potential husbands and wives. Everybody seems to be searching for some form of relationship so they don’t end up alone. Well, I’m going to be talking about another form of relationship which remains every boy’s, sorry, man’s worst nightmare. It has come to be regarded as one of the worst forms of misfortune to ever befall a man, the ultimate form of misdirection used by a woman, her greatest trick yet. I am, of course, talking about the dreaded ZONING.

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